Let me start off by giving a quick run down of my myself. I am 28 going on 29 in March. I am currently undergoing a divorce after 2.5 years of marriage. The man I married decided to “pursue happiness” on the road not taken and I left was standing with my heart in hand, broken and crushed. Now, I should tell you that I have been a Christian all my life. I’ve gone to church since I can remember and I have grown up with the principals and standards that the Bible sets for us. I had people around me who told me what to look for in a husband. Godly, loving, has a heart for God’s will in his life, etc. As I look back on my relationship with the man I chose to marry, I can clearly see that this was destined to fail from the start.
So what happened? What happened to the girl that grew up in church and was so excited about mission trips and going to other countries to spread the word? Was she not real? What she just an act to try to impress others? Okay, so I can’t say that I never did things to try and look better than what I was, but I do believe that most of those were real. I really do enjoy going to church and my fondest memories are going on mission trips and making a difference in people’s lives. I’ve had people ask me what happened? Why did I choose to get into a relationship with a man who clearly didn’t not have a heart for God? At first, I couldn’t answer because I, honestly,really didn’t know. It is going to be 8 months now since the day my husband left and over the last months, I have come to find and learn things about myself and about God that I have never fully understood in my whole 28 years of life. So to answer the question, What happened? FEAR. Just one simple word pin points the problem.
Now this fear goes back to back when I was young. As some may know, my father chose not to be a part of our lives. He, by his fear and the lies I’m sure he heard in his head, decided to take his own road. For the last 4-5 years I had never really given him a second thought. I didn’t want to believe that his actions affected me in anyway. I didn’t like the thought that someone else’s actions could affect my life so severely, so in my mind, I counted him as dead. No longer existing or maybe even never existing at all. Not dealing with this issue and the emotions that came along with it has had a big affect in my adult years.
I had met my husband many years before we dated, through work but I never looked at him as anything other than a co-worker. It wasn’t until some years later that we got in contact again and now are at this point. Ryan was not a Godly man. He didn’t go to church. He didn’t strive to live out God’s will for his life. So what is his appeal you may ask? Well, he liked me and at the time that’s all that mattered. As we dated, many people talked to me, tried to point out that this was not the kind of man they or God would want for me. Now, I am a stubborn person, so some of the problem was my pride (you can’t tell me what to do or who to love) and me wanting to prove them wrong by showing that love can conquer all. The other problem was, as I said before, Fear.
Since the beginning of our relationship, there we problems already arising. We used to take pride in the fact that we had it rough from the start and that we made it through. It was unrealistic and foolish of us to not consider, that these problems were not a reason to rejoice because we had “conquered” them, but red flags for us to stop and think about the consequences of overlooking them. I won’t go into detail as to what they were, but for me, the things that I allowed myself to overlook caused my fear to take over and make some very bad decisions. One, I didn’t wait till marriage to have sex. I was afraid that if I asked him to wait, that he would eventually grow impatient and turn to other women or other sources to find satisfaction. Some may be shaking their head thinking, “Then girl, he wasn’t worth it. You should have let him go.” Yes, if I had stuck with what I had been taught for all those years, he would eventually have left me early on and I would have dealt with a broken heart back then. But, fear, oh fear set in and I let it guide my heart. Having already lost a father who didn’t care about me and never dealing with what that did to my heart, it made me compromise what I had once thought was important and worth waiting for. We eventually did get engaged and decided that we wouldn’t become intimate again till we got married. Still with fear in the back of my head and, what I see now, trust issues, we moved on with life the best we could. It was at this point, that my mom recieved a letter from my father saying that he didn’t want to have anything to do with us. I don’t know exactly everything he said because I didn’t read the whole letter (it was too hard), but we pretty much got the point. It was at this point that I ran away. Literally, ran away. I moved in with Ryan and didn’t talk to my family for the better part of a year. The promise we made went out the window and now we had new issues to deal with. Why? Well, after losing my father so many years ago and now dealing with rejection from him, I turned to Ryan for the comfort I needed. This worked for a little while, but he’s human just like me and he eventually let me down.
Now, I want to say that during this time, God was there. I didn’t acknowledge him most times and I think for those months that I didn’t have contact with my family, I also ignored Him (as much as you can ignore God). I knew what I was doing was wrong, I knew deep down that this was not what He had planned for me, but I fought so hard, hoping that God would bring some good out of this. Let me tell you, He has, but not the way I expected. I remember towards the end of our relationship, sitting in church, listening to the message that my pastor was speaking. On the verge of tears, I sat with my head down the entire time. So frustrated, so desperate for something to come along and help. The message that night went straight to the heart of me and I felt like I couldn’t get any lower. I remember emailing my sister Angie the next day. I told her that I didn’t know what to do and that I needed something different, something to help. She wrote me back and though I can’t remember everything she said, I do remember this. She told me that this was a gospel issue and that I needed to go back to the basics, from the beginning. She asked me if I was ready to finally give God control. I told her yes and she prayed with me. Two day laters, God moved in a big way. Ryan moved out while I was at work and my world was shaken to the core. I was angry the he left, but also angry that God had chosen to move in this direction. This wasn’t what I asked for! I asked for help not to be left alone.
As these last few months have gone by, though it was hard to see af first, I have seen God’s love for me by pulling me out of this destructive relationship. And even though it broke my heart, He picked up the broken peices and put it back together the only way that He can. It was a hard, hard lesson to learn, and even though I wish I could have seen or understood it back then, I know now that He is jealous for me. I understand now, to the very core of my being, that I can never outrun God. No matter how far I go, or what I do, he will never let me go. I know now why it’s important to wait for the one that He has for me. Not because the church says it or because it’s what people tell me, but because when life gets hard, I shouldn’t be the only one looking to God for wisdom and strength. Marriage is hard enough when you have God as the center, it’s even harder when you don’t. I know this first hand.
It’s amazing to me, that in my 28 years on this earth, I have only begun to know God. I mean really truly know Him. To experience a life touched by Him and understand what it means to live a life that is pleasing to Him. Not only because it’s what’s written, but because I actually want to. I’ve learned that grace is more than God forgiving my sins, but that when you really understand God’s grace, you don’t want to go back to the old way of living. I get it now. I won’t say that I wish I could take all that back, because I know that it had a purpose. God wanted all of me and all of my love and the only way He could reach me, was by breaking my heart and remolding it again the way He wanted. So, I guess the point is, God wants all of us. Even though it’s scary to face the past and trust that He knows what’s best for me, it’s so worth it. The joy and freedom I feel is unlike any other and I wouldn’t trade that for anything…
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